I have an appointment Tuesday morning to get on a maintenance program for my addiction to opiates. For the past year, I have known that this is a problem but, I had been afraid to look for help because of the stigma that is attached to it. I don’t want people to think of me as a junkie or fiend. I know that I am more than that and I have been through way too much shit, not to make it through this too.
Every time my husband would mention getting clean, I would mentally freak out. “What about withdraw? I have to be able to get up and go to work or school, I can’t do that while dealing with withdraw? I can’t go away to a rehab like I would actually love to because I don’t have the support from family or anyone who could have my son for the time being? How will I get to my appointments every week without a vehicle of my own?” I was afraid that my life had gotten so out of control that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the priorities of getting clean.
These past two weeks have been great. I have made arrangements to do an outpatient program, see a counselor, and I figured out how I can get to some meetings. I have been reading my recovery book that was coincidentally given to me like 8 years ago, when I didn’t need it but, I had kept it all this time. I have always been embarrassed about being seen reading self-help books in public or around friends and family but that was just another excuse not to read it. So I wrapped the cover and back with blue and purple leopard print duck tape. And now I don’t feel that anxiety about having a recovery book sitting on my table when my landlord comes by to change the batteries in the smoke detectors or if I am in a waiting room.
Right now, I am reading the section about making a strategy plan for staying sober whenever I encounter certain situations. I am preparing my self mentally and emotionally for recovery. I want to make it work so bad. I want to get on with my life, become mentally and physically healthy, learn coping skills that I never actually learned along the way, learn new living skills, and new ways of thinking. I don’t want to overwhelm myself or set myself up for failure but, I would really like to start exercising everyday. I know I will feel better, my self-esteem will improve, and it’s another way to push myself and get out my frustration. I need self-discipline and to regain my determination to persevere and not just survive.