Recovery

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I have an appointment Tuesday morning to get on a maintenance program for my addiction to opiates. For the past year, I have known that this is a problem but, I had been afraid to look for help because of the stigma that is attached to it. I don’t want people to think of me as a junkie or fiend. I know that I am more than that and I have been through way too much shit, not to make it through this too.

 

Every time my husband would mention getting clean, I would mentally freak out. “What about withdraw? I have to be able to get up and go to work or school, I can’t do that while dealing with withdraw? I can’t go away to a rehab like I would actually love to because I don’t have the support from family or anyone who could have my son for the time being? How will I get to my appointments every week without a vehicle of my own?” I was afraid that my life had gotten so out of control that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the priorities of getting clean.

These past two weeks have been great. I have made arrangements to do an outpatient program, see a counselor, and I figured out how I can get to some meetings. I have been reading my recovery book that was coincidentally given to me like 8 years ago, when I didn’t need it but, I had kept it all this time. I have always been embarrassed about being seen reading self-help books in public or around friends and family but that was just another excuse not to read it. So I wrapped the cover and back with blue and purple leopard print duck tape. And now I don’t feel that anxiety about having a recovery book sitting on my table when my landlord comes by to change the batteries in the smoke detectors or if I am in a waiting room.

Right now, I am reading the section about making a strategy plan for staying sober whenever I encounter certain situations. I am preparing my self mentally and emotionally for recovery. I want to make it work so bad. I want to get on with my life, become mentally and physically healthy, learn coping skills that I never actually learned along the way, learn new living skills, and new ways of thinking.  I don’t want to overwhelm myself or set myself up for failure but, I would really like to start exercising everyday. I know I will feel better, my self-esteem will improve, and it’s another way to push myself and get out my frustration. I need self-discipline and to regain my determination to persevere and not just survive.

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7 comments on “Recovery

  1. Oh this is so brave. GOOD for you! I will be watching your blog and rooting for you. Go for it. One day at a time as they say. I wish you all good things in your life. Get well, stay well and be well.

  2. You are definitely headed in the right direction. I think that it’s amazing that you are admitting the problem and actively working on eliminating it. The best advice I can give you is to take it one day at a time. Some times thinking about being sober long-term can be overwhelming. Focus on each present moment and day and eventually you will be clean long-term. It’s a lot to take on, but it sounds like you are prepared. I wish you all of the best as I know how challenging this must be.

    When I was in a really rough place I read “This is How” by Augusten Burroughs and it changed my life. I highly recommend it.

    xx

  3. I am so proud of you! You should never be ashamed of down ng something to better yourself. There are things in those recovery books that non-drug users could use to enhance their lives. All it really bou ls down to is doing the next right thing. Whether that be for yourself or for another person.. if u just continue to do the next right thing, ur life will be amazing! I am here for u always!!!

  4. Hey – this is really inspiring and beautiful. I am a peer at a recovery education center and so many folks are making these same brave steps. Can I share this writing with people? I think it’s great to work with a plan, with a strategy. Don’t forget to plan for when you do your best to follow your plan but your plan is hard to follow! Glad our paths crossed and keep moving! Reach out and be well…every moment is a crossroads and you are never alone.

    • Thank you so much. There is so many times that I just feel like my thoughts and feelings are erratic or insignificant. It is amazing to realize how my writing can help others one way or another. This makes me excited to share my thoughts on these personal issues that are effecting so many others and I believe it to be a blessing to be able write a sentence that touches another persons heart.

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