It’s Late.

Awoke in the middle of the night, well it is 5 am. Trying to figure out why I have been so passive towards life this past week. I am hoping that continuing to press forward will make everything feel like it fits again.

Mr.

On another note...

Talking and texting just to try and stay on his mind. I miss him, want him, and I dream about his arms around me. His chest and shoulders so wide, my arms wrapped under his, trying to pull us into one. Him and I, my body melts, forcing mine on his like its the last time we’ll meet. Every ounce of excitement in my anticipation is fulfilled. It would only take a moments doubt to let my guard down, to let him in completely because with him there’s no other way.

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Mr.

Talking and texting just to try and stay on his mind. I miss him, want him, and I dream about his arms around me. His chest and shoulders so wide, my arms wrapped under his, trying to pull us into one. Him and I, my body melts, forcing mine on his like its the last time we’ll meet. Every ounce of excitement in my anticipation is fulfilled. It would only take a moments doubt to let my guard down, to let him in completely because with him there’s no other way.

Better Days

I have been doing a lot better these past few days. my antidepressants have leveled out, so I have had some more energy and ambition. I have been making a point to wake right up, put the dishes in the washer, and push myself even further by getting in the shower earlier each day.

 I am ready for change. I am now taking care of myself in addition to my boys. I have been paying closer attention to my husband, being more affectionate brings us closer. I am crazy about him, he’s my best friend. Unlike my previous relationships, he is attentive but not possessive. I used to think arguing, physical fights, and being questioned about everything was normal.

 I am happy and proud of myself. I deserve the best, as long as I earn it. I have an array of goals and pursuits, I have wasted so much time allowing the depression to take over my life. But no more, I am too strong, too smart, and loved so much that there is no room for self-pity.

Aside

I am comfortable and feel safer within the boundaries of my own loneliness.

I am having a hard time dealing with my depression. I want nothing more than to wake up, even one morning and think “What a beautiful day”. I just wish I wasn’t so afraid. 

I have been sleeping in so late everyday that by the time I wake up my son is ready for lunch and just wants me to play with him. This just makes me feel even worse. Fatigued and groggy, I drag myself  to the coffee pot, I make myself one cup, light a cigarette, and start thinking about what I can make for lunch. I foresee the whole process and am overwhelmed with the dreadful thought of pulling things out, dirtying more dishes, and the trail of crumbs I will need to vacuum later. I realize I still have a sink full of dishes from dinner last night and the counters are a mess. I think about the long process of doing the dishes, drying, putting away, wiping down the counters, which then means I will have to sweep and mop the kitchen. All the sudden I have an urge to use the bathroom. As I sit down and look around, I see my husband body hair all over the sink and the ring in the bathtub. The wash rags mean laundry, the scum means I need to use soft scrub, which will soak into my fingers and will be all I can taste and smell for hours.

At this point, I just want to make him a sandwich and jump back into bed as fast as I can. I want to pull the covers over my head and just be left alone. But it’s almost 3 o’ clock in the afternoon. I imagine all those who have been up since 6am, went to work, earn a day’s wage, going to pick up the kids, making their family dinner, cleaning it, bathing their children, even reading them a book, and kissing them goodnight.

I wonder why I can not seem to muster the strength to get through the day.

Schizoid

Expressing Enthusiasm

I am going back through “The Artist’s Way” and feel encouraged. I have been thinking about all sorts of creative ideas and projects which I feel I always have an abundance of inspiration. The part I need to work on is self-discipline and following through. I struggle to finish what I start. My creative burst are short lived, they get winded, and don’t usually make it out alive, or stand the test of time.

Reading parts like ” Creativity is an experience”, I want to go for a walk on a cool sunny day and breathe in the flow of movement and freedom to do so. I need to find ways to remind myself that I am fully capable and strong enough to keep going everyday. I want to practice being aware of my true inner strength. From here I wish to keep moving forward with everything, my life, everyday. I can’t stand to keep getting stuck in the bed, allowing my mind to run in unproductive cycles. Worrying and thinking negatively about my every weakness and un-attempted failures. I have literally laid back for these past four years. So paralyzed by fear that there is something wrong with me because I am not truly happy. Even though I have the most loving and supporting husband I could have never dreamt of and a healthy, smart, and ever so sweet little boy.

I have beat myself so far down with guilt and grief for being so dependent on my husband that I am in a fog. When I do occasionally stop over-thinking so neurotically about everything I am not, I can see that it’s not that I don’t love them enough, it’s because I am a survivor and know deep down that I can be and do so much more for myself and ultimately them. What I don’t want is my son to remember me as always being sad and unable to get out of the bed and take of myself. I want to be a model of good character, showing him and everyone patient love, forgiving, and being ready to help others. I have known I have a heart of service and  giving to others is the only way I can fulfill my feelings of emptiness. My dreams elude me and life feels flat. I need to get out there and do it. I can no longer stand in my own way, making the lousiest excuses for why I shouldn’t waste time and the gas money on a day at the park.

So, I have made plans with friends everyday for the next few days. Some will come see me and others I will go to but I am excited to just jump back out there and not think twice or talk myself out of it. Thanks for listening, I feel lighter and hope I can continue to share my thoughts and feelings.

The Past Few weeks….

Everything took an unexpected turn in the past few weeks. Work had slowed to a complete stop for my husband and we had no idea when he would have work again. Meaning appointments because he is a tattoo artist. He usually does very well for our family and we live comfortably. But we went from an overwhelming amount of messages about appointments to nothing, for three weeks. He was maybe able to pull in $100 every two-three days, meanwhile the bills were coming in, the rent, electric, TV, my car insurance, his car insurance, we needed to take in the inspection tags and have the money for the official tags and since we did not have the money for that or the insurance, we had to take the tags off of my car and turn them in before accumulating some hefty fines.

My husband was so frustrated, beyond anything I have ever seen in the four years we’ve been together. I was feeling so horrible that I am not working and couldn’t guarantee a check at the end of the week. He obviously felt like the world was out to get him and that we were going to lose everything, there for minute I wasn’t sure if when the work did pick back up, he would be able to pick his self up with it. I was concerned but had a sense of peace. I knew that it was just the consequences of other things catching up to us. Even though I have been clean for a month now, I realize how bad it could have been had I not got clean when I did. I knew the Lord would take care of us and that this was a chance to gain some character and endurance. Another example of how is always working in our lives, good or bad, whether we notice Him or not. Because He loves us. Not because we deserve it and this really cleared up a lot of my feelings that He wouldn’t forgive me, I realize now that forces were at work. For Us and against us. I thank Him all the time for keeping His hand on my family. Thank you