Talking and texting just to try and stay on his mind. I miss him, want him, and I dream about his arms around me. His chest and shoulders so wide, my arms wrapped under his, trying to pull us into one. Him and I, my body melts, forcing mine on his like its the last time we’ll meet. Every ounce of excitement in my anticipation is fulfilled. It would only take a moments doubt to let my guard down, to let him in completely because with him there’s no other way.
I am going back through “The Artist’s Way” and feel encouraged. I have been thinking about all sorts of creative ideas and projects which I feel I always have an abundance of inspiration. The part I need to work on is self-discipline and following through. I struggle to finish what I start. My creative burst are short lived, they get winded, and don’t usually make it out alive, or stand the test of time.
Reading parts like ” Creativity is an experience”, I want to go for a walk on a cool sunny day and breathe in the flow of movement and freedom to do so. I need to find ways to remind myself that I am fully capable and strong enough to keep going everyday. I want to practice being aware of my true inner strength. From here I wish to keep moving forward with everything, my life, everyday. I can’t stand to keep getting stuck in the bed, allowing my mind to run in unproductive cycles. Worrying and thinking negatively about my every weakness and un-attempted failures. I have literally laid back for these past four years. So paralyzed by fear that there is something wrong with me because I am not truly happy. Even though I have the most loving and supporting husband I could have never dreamt of and a healthy, smart, and ever so sweet little boy.
I have beat myself so far down with guilt and grief for being so dependent on my husband that I am in a fog. When I do occasionally stop over-thinking so neurotically about everything I am not, I can see that it’s not that I don’t love them enough, it’s because I am a survivor and know deep down that I can be and do so much more for myself and ultimately them. What I don’t want is my son to remember me as always being sad and unable to get out of the bed and take of myself. I want to be a model of good character, showing him and everyone patient love, forgiving, and being ready to help others. I have known I have a heart of service and giving to others is the only way I can fulfill my feelings of emptiness. My dreams elude me and life feels flat. I need to get out there and do it. I can no longer stand in my own way, making the lousiest excuses for why I shouldn’t waste time and the gas money on a day at the park.
So, I have made plans with friends everyday for the next few days. Some will come see me and others I will go to but I am excited to just jump back out there and not think twice or talk myself out of it. Thanks for listening, I feel lighter and hope I can continue to share my thoughts and feelings.