Talking and texting just to try and stay on his mind. I miss him, want him, and I dream about his arms around me. His chest and shoulders so wide, my arms wrapped under his, trying to pull us into one. Him and I, my body melts, forcing mine on his like its the last time we’ll meet. Every ounce of excitement in my anticipation is fulfilled. It would only take a moments doubt to let my guard down, to let him in completely because with him there’s no other way.
,I need more than to merely just change,
Breaking this cycle of the same mistakes,
My hopes and fears are a guide for to be honest with my self,
Gaining peace, sleep, serenity, experiencing strength, hope, compassion
Say kind words, write a nice note, take the time to show that I care,
Growing out of the radical overnight frenzy,
Consistent effort everyday; each a new challenge,
I will not feel right if I don’t right my wrongs,
Finding a desperate yearning was possessing my attention,
Working destruction, pain, fool, difficult, survived,
Accepting those imperfections, all the excuses and denial,
Pretending, refusing, lying, justifying and choosing not to care,
I find these thoughts misguide my widely accepting mind of mine.
-By Hope Ess
(I am so shocked that came out of me, it took me 3 days to perfect it to my liking, and I am just ecstatic to share with you.)
About a week ago, I had to explain to my mother that I love her no matter what. I knew it would take effort to convince her of this, so I wrote her a long message on Facebook. Just expressing to her that I understand the depth of her hurt and how she only knows how to beat herself up because that is all she received as a child. That I forgive her for her mistakes, I love her for who she is, and I will never judge or criticize her. I told her how much I love seeing her spend time with her grandbabies and I wish she could see how much she has to live for. I know how strong she is, as she showed me how to endure. She wrote me back and said she had tears in her eyes because of what I wrote. I was able to touch her heart. Amen
I always pray for God to touch other’s hearts but, didn’t realize until tonight that I have the ability to touch hearts with expressing my words of love, encouragement, my own self-defeat, and my tiny victory’s.
One night my Aunt Lynn came over. She was of some kind of relation to us through my mom being adopted and someone getting married. She is the same age as my mom and has a daughter one year older then my little sister “S”. Well, she had a drinking problem too, I can remember her getting all messed up and some how her boobs would end up out of her shirt. She convinced my mom to go out to the bar with her and sure enough that night her and my mother brought guys back to the house, for the stereotypical reason people like to meet at bars. I didn’t really care that my mom brought this guy home this one night but when he started showing up every night and taking my mom out to get wasted, I started getting defensive of my dad’s home and life that he built for us. Of course this guy “Clark” was really nice to us in the beginning, whispering sweet nothing’s into my mom’s ear, and convincing us that my dad was a coward for what he did to my mom and how great he was for her.
This guy was a grade a loser, alcoholic, douchebag. He worked as a car salesman, nothing wrong with being a car salesman, but when I heard what he did for a living, it confirmed my suspicion of the constant bullshit he would try to feed my sister’s, myself, and I was convinced he believed his own lies. I just thought it to be insane that this man was so willing to move in on another man’s home, wife, and children. My dad wasn’t going to be gone forever. My dad had set it up so that all the bills would be paid directly out of the account that the money from the apartments would go into. My mom didn’t have to work, she never had to work, she just needed to keep her shit together. But my mom always had to play the victim in life instead of taking responsibility for herself. All she would talk about was how my dad would come home drunk and beat her. There was a time I was so resentful of my mother I would often say to myself “If my wife disappeared for three days with the grocery money and came back strung out with hickey marks on her thighs, I would probably get drunk and lose my mind too.” My mom had lost a good bit of weight after meeting Clark and was always going on about how she could fit into her old jeans. I hated it, I would be in the kitchen doing the dishes and she would say to me “God Hope, suck your gut in!”. I felt horrible. I know they were both doing coke. They were working for a friend of Clark’s, as bounty hunters, they thought they were above the law and had authority. I would laugh at them. They would be out all night with a 30 pack of beer and chase down people who jumped bail. I would be home with my sisters most nights alone, so of course I started having little parties with friends and my boyfriend. it wasn’t long before I lost my virginity and started skipping school.
My dad had been a carpenter all his life and was an artisan with his wood work. He had accumulated almost $100,000.00 in tools and equipment, this was all kept in his 4 car garage behind our house. We had a 28 foot(I think) Scarab racing boat and a 40 foot camper. My mom and Clark started selling everything! They pretty much had a yard sale with the shop, anything they could get a couple hundred dollars for, they sold it. They even managed to sell the camper for $14,000.00. We never saw any money, I mean, they were obviously paying the electric/water and putting some food in the house but I didn’t see any kind of improvement in our financial struggle.
My dad managed to have a good friend of his accept Power Of Attorney over everything since my dad couldn’t do much from jail. Once my dad realized what was going on he had us thrown out of the house. I don’t blame him, my mom and this moron were destroying everything my dad had broke his back for in his last 20 years. My dad wasn’t perfect but he took care of his family and did more than provide just a home.
Thank you for reading, the next part is about where we end up once kicked out of our home.