I am going back through “The Artist’s Way” and feel encouraged. I have been thinking about all sorts of creative ideas and projects which I feel I always have an abundance of inspiration. The part I need to work on is self-discipline and following through. I struggle to finish what I start. My creative burst are short lived, they get winded, and don’t usually make it out alive, or stand the test of time.
Reading parts like ” Creativity is an experience”, I want to go for a walk on a cool sunny day and breathe in the flow of movement and freedom to do so. I need to find ways to remind myself that I am fully capable and strong enough to keep going everyday. I want to practice being aware of my true inner strength. From here I wish to keep moving forward with everything, my life, everyday. I can’t stand to keep getting stuck in the bed, allowing my mind to run in unproductive cycles. Worrying and thinking negatively about my every weakness and un-attempted failures. I have literally laid back for these past four years. So paralyzed by fear that there is something wrong with me because I am not truly happy. Even though I have the most loving and supporting husband I could have never dreamt of and a healthy, smart, and ever so sweet little boy.
I have beat myself so far down with guilt and grief for being so dependent on my husband that I am in a fog. When I do occasionally stop over-thinking so neurotically about everything I am not, I can see that it’s not that I don’t love them enough, it’s because I am a survivor and know deep down that I can be and do so much more for myself and ultimately them. What I don’t want is my son to remember me as always being sad and unable to get out of the bed and take of myself. I want to be a model of good character, showing him and everyone patient love, forgiving, and being ready to help others. I have known I have a heart of service and giving to others is the only way I can fulfill my feelings of emptiness. My dreams elude me and life feels flat. I need to get out there and do it. I can no longer stand in my own way, making the lousiest excuses for why I shouldn’t waste time and the gas money on a day at the park.
So, I have made plans with friends everyday for the next few days. Some will come see me and others I will go to but I am excited to just jump back out there and not think twice or talk myself out of it. Thanks for listening, I feel lighter and hope I can continue to share my thoughts and feelings.