I am going back through “The Artist’s Way” and feel encouraged. I have been thinking about all sorts of creative ideas and projects which I feel I always have an abundance of inspiration. The part I need to work on is self-discipline and following through. I struggle to finish what I start. My creative burst are short lived, they get winded, and don’t usually make it out alive, or stand the test of time.
Reading parts like ” Creativity is an experience”, I want to go for a walk on a cool sunny day and breathe in the flow of movement and freedom to do so. I need to find ways to remind myself that I am fully capable and strong enough to keep going everyday. I want to practice being aware of my true inner strength. From here I wish to keep moving forward with everything, my life, everyday. I can’t stand to keep getting stuck in the bed, allowing my mind to run in unproductive cycles. Worrying and thinking negatively about my every weakness and un-attempted failures. I have literally laid back for these past four years. So paralyzed by fear that there is something wrong with me because I am not truly happy. Even though I have the most loving and supporting husband I could have never dreamt of and a healthy, smart, and ever so sweet little boy.
I have beat myself so far down with guilt and grief for being so dependent on my husband that I am in a fog. When I do occasionally stop over-thinking so neurotically about everything I am not, I can see that it’s not that I don’t love them enough, it’s because I am a survivor and know deep down that I can be and do so much more for myself and ultimately them. What I don’t want is my son to remember me as always being sad and unable to get out of the bed and take of myself. I want to be a model of good character, showing him and everyone patient love, forgiving, and being ready to help others. I have known I have a heart of service and giving to others is the only way I can fulfill my feelings of emptiness. My dreams elude me and life feels flat. I need to get out there and do it. I can no longer stand in my own way, making the lousiest excuses for why I shouldn’t waste time and the gas money on a day at the park.
So, I have made plans with friends everyday for the next few days. Some will come see me and others I will go to but I am excited to just jump back out there and not think twice or talk myself out of it. Thanks for listening, I feel lighter and hope I can continue to share my thoughts and feelings.
,I need more than to merely just change,
Breaking this cycle of the same mistakes,
My hopes and fears are a guide for to be honest with my self,
Gaining peace, sleep, serenity, experiencing strength, hope, compassion
Say kind words, write a nice note, take the time to show that I care,
Growing out of the radical overnight frenzy,
Consistent effort everyday; each a new challenge,
I will not feel right if I don’t right my wrongs,
Finding a desperate yearning was possessing my attention,
Working destruction, pain, fool, difficult, survived,
Accepting those imperfections, all the excuses and denial,
Pretending, refusing, lying, justifying and choosing not to care,
I find these thoughts misguide my widely accepting mind of mine.
-By Hope Ess
(I am so shocked that came out of me, it took me 3 days to perfect it to my liking, and I am just ecstatic to share with you.)
She wonders how long it will take to figure out who she is. Having learned a lot about the world and people, She has a desire to know herself. Craving it and fearing it. Fear of the change is what holds her back and fear of failure. Not so much failing herself but those who love her. She knows that she is strong enough to fall and get back up, but is everybody else willing continue to love her? Desiring to try and fail at many different ventures is intriguing to her. Spending so much time worrying about everyone and everything else, there is no spiritual connection within her. She has never known how to love her self and doubts her capacity to love back. Shes loves, just not with all her heart. She desires the power of love. Will she every know it’s true depth? The severity in which she needs it?
But how does she go about developing this? What is it that she needs to learn about herself that can change this? How can she be her own definition of successful and happy?
She is so afraid of the world. She has seen evil and how it makes people suffer. Physically, spiritually and emotionally. She has felt it’s gripping force that will freeze your very being in fear. She knows in her heart that love is stronger but can not imagine it’s true intensity. Knowing where not to find it, she continues on her search.
(P.S. I wrote this in December on Tumblr. I never got any traffic or followers through Tumblr no matter what I did. I am now reposting my Tumblr post here instead.)